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On dates, we’ve talked about things like “code switching” (people taking on different personalities or dialects depending on who they’re with) and how to fit into the environment you’re in without having to erase who you really are. (I doubt decisions to date within one’s group are conscious for most people; racial bias is likely ingrained.

I’ve felt we could relate in ways I couldn’t with a white partner. After hundreds of years of social conditioning, the same way the brain says “hot, don’t touch” when it sees fire, it may say “not for me” when presented with a potential partner of another race.) I’m not saying you have to make a solemn resolution to date a person outside your race this year; I’m justsaying you should stop assuming you won’t. When things don’t work out now, I try not to get defeated by that Ok Cupid data: Instead I tell myself that I’m not looking for those dudes who rate black women poorly. When I do, I will have made that choice from a fully formed place, and I’ll be with my partner because I truly love him or her, not because I don’t love myself.

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I met one of those sleep friends at a bar during my twenty-s­eventh birthday party.

Systems of oppression based on race sometimes pressure queer men of color to lie about or hide their racial/ethnic identity in online dating spaces like Grindr in order to get positive romantic and sexual attention.

I’ve met a few people who have experienced problems with online dating.

He waits until he meets someone to reveal his real name and racial/ethnic identity because men sometimes stop talking to him when they find out he’s partly Indian.

Another person I know is Black but has self-identified as mixed-race on Grindr because he gets little attention when he identifies himself as Black.

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